B
Bones
Guest
Let's try a few one liners to keep folks thinkin'........
IF "IGNORANCE IS BLISS", YOU'D THINK MORE PEOPLE WOULD BE HAPPY.
IF "IGNORANCE IS BLISS", YOU'D THINK MORE PEOPLE WOULD BE HAPPY.
From one of my favorite guys Henny Youngman:
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Last edited:
One of my favorites and right with Spazz' offerings
The difference between smart and stupid........there's a limit to how smart you can be
The difference between smart and stupid........there's a limit to how smart you can be
I can't help but post a few one liners from my favorite.....Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.
I'm so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness--after I was born.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said "No, I hate myself now.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy--for birth control.
And of course one of my personal favorites: Everyone is entitled to their opinion even if it is wrong
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.
I'm so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness--after I was born.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said "No, I hate myself now.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy--for birth control.
And of course one of my personal favorites: Everyone is entitled to their opinion even if it is wrong
Last edited:
B
Bones
Guest
We must remember Blues is a Blues Player....live stage I believe. I wish I could watch him do a gig. It is no wonder he has such a list of one liners.....don't let his list scare you away. Give us your best.
However, my Blues favorite is "A hooker once told me she had a headache." I've been shot down before. That is part of learning to MAN UP.....WTF went wrong?
Keep the one liners coming.......I am about to reveal my Grandaddy's most memorable statement. It will leave Blues in the dust. I believe Blues could make my Granddad's statement world famous. Here we go....How do you describe a good lookin' woman.?...
"A little bit of loose, wrapped up tight, with crooked poke-outs."
Take it and run BluesBelly...make my granddad famous.....Call him "Captin' Bill".
He was an ole moonshine runner at one time, and a fishin' captain at others, plus a Navy gunner in WWII. Talk about him as a hero.
Come on guys.....open up! Let's hear some more one liners....and stories. We don't want to talk about bikes all the time........drink some beer and start typing.
However, my Blues favorite is "A hooker once told me she had a headache." I've been shot down before. That is part of learning to MAN UP.....WTF went wrong?
Keep the one liners coming.......I am about to reveal my Grandaddy's most memorable statement. It will leave Blues in the dust. I believe Blues could make my Granddad's statement world famous. Here we go....How do you describe a good lookin' woman.?...
"A little bit of loose, wrapped up tight, with crooked poke-outs."
Take it and run BluesBelly...make my granddad famous.....Call him "Captin' Bill".
He was an ole moonshine runner at one time, and a fishin' captain at others, plus a Navy gunner in WWII. Talk about him as a hero.
Come on guys.....open up! Let's hear some more one liners....and stories. We don't want to talk about bikes all the time........drink some beer and start typing.
Bones,
Good stuff LOL!
You said "drink some beer and start typing". I didn't mean to steal the show here but my best bud and I did just that tonight! Loose Lips sink Forum threads!
PS. Mojo is a player also and can probably bury my sorry old A$$
And yes! Keep em' coming folks
Blues
Good stuff LOL!
You said "drink some beer and start typing". I didn't mean to steal the show here but my best bud and I did just that tonight! Loose Lips sink Forum threads!
PS. Mojo is a player also and can probably bury my sorry old A$$
And yes! Keep em' coming folks
Blues
Last edited:
Parents can't wait for their children to walk and talk, then they keep telling them to shut up and sit down.
The early bird might get the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paycheck.
Good girls are actually bad girls that never get caught.
We have plenty enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh!7....
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paycheck.
Good girls are actually bad girls that never get caught.
We have plenty enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh!7....
B
Bones
Guest
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning the house, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
